By Ann Curry, Meghan Frank and Isolde Raftery
NBC News
When young women ask Erin Callan, formerly chief financial officer at Lehman Brothers, for advice, she says she tells them: “Don’t do it like me.”
Callan, 47, was appointed CFO just nine months before the firm filed for bankruptcy in Sept. 2008. She said her life gradually became entirely focused on her work, edging out friends’ birthday parties and time with her husband – and having children.
These were small choices that ballooned into one major life decision, she said, a realization she wrote about for The New York Times’ Op-Ed page on Sunday. Callan sat down for an interview with Ann Curry for Rock Center, explaining why she views herself as a cautionary tale for young, ambitious women.
Since resigning from Lehman Brothers in 2008, she all but vanished from the spotlight – and says for legal reasons she still can’t discuss the collapse of the financial giant. But she says she felt compelled to weigh in on the growing national discussion about women and their work-life balance. Recently, Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer announced employees could no longer work from home, and Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg released a new book, “Lean In,” which encourages women to stay on the career path.
“I did achieve great success in my career – I’m just trying to provide a bit of what I’ll call a warning label that, hey, there’s something else to think about as you’re ‘leaning in,’ so to speak,” Callan said.
Callan grew up in Queens, N.Y., the daughter of a police officer and a homemaker. She was driven – a competitive gymnast who practiced so hard her hands bled, and a serious student who secured a spot at Harvard University and later New York University School of Law. After law school, Callan headed to one of the city’s most elite law firms, Simpson Thacher & Bartlett, where she worked with Wall Street firms, including Lehman Brothers.
By her late 20s, she was working at the global investment banking firm, launching initiatives and working her way up. At 41, she was tapped as CFO.
“I still had things in some kind of reasonable harmony, even in my early 30s,” Callan said. “But little by little, it’s the Blackberry the second you wake up in the morning. It’s checking the Asian markets right before you got to bed at night. It’s making yourself completely available for anything that comes up. I’ve got to fly to Europe tonight … OK, I’ll go tonight.”
As Callan explains, the decisions, seemingly inconsequential at the time, added up to a life focused completely on work. As a result she says she neglected her personal relationships – and didn’t have children.
“You don’t wake up one day and make a conscious decision that you’re going to be OK with that, or you want to live that way,” Callan said. “It just sort of happens over time as you move through your career.”
Not that Callan advises women to go home at 4 p.m. every day. “But I do think there could have been some modifications that were reasonable that would have allowed me to have a better, more fulfilling personal life.”
In other words: Consider which emails can be read later and which phone calls can be made in the morning. Go to the birthday parties.
“You can have an amazing career with great success, even in a male-dominated field that I did,” she said. “But be careful what you wish for and the choices that you make. And I do believe now – only now, I didn’t at the time – that I may have gotten to the same place with some changes, some tweaks.”
When Curry asked whether she aligns herself with current feminist thought, Callan replied: “I think it’s incredibly feminist what I’m saying because I’m saying it’s up to you. It’s your choice. Don’t let someone else tell you whatt to do. Don’t let someone else make you feel bad.”
Editor's Note: Ann Curry's full profile of former Lehman CFO Erin Callan airs Friday, March 15 at 10pm/9CDT on NBC's Rock Center with Brian Williams.
Leave a Comment:
There is no time off any more. Any one who works in an office (especially) knows this. You are expected to keep up with emails while on vacation and to keep your work flowing. A full vacation and honest day off is a thing of the past. Our personal lives, health, and families suffer. We are doing ourselves "in."
I'm trying to reduce the number of e-mails I respond to when I'm on vacation, but in my case there's another component - international business. I start getting e-mails from Europe when it's 5am where I am, and I'm getting e-mails from California at 8pm on most days, sometimes as late as 1am. Fortunately my contact for Australia is here in the US and keeps me from working twenty-four hours a day.
As the former chief financial officer at Lehman Brothers, one of the most disgusting companies ever to plague the United States, she is very lucky not to be sitting in prison with ALL of the executives of this collective group of thieves.
She has a lot of nerve crying about not having children and not attending friends birthday parties after participation as an executive in the largest financial crimes in American history.
The only thing worse than Lehman Brothers is that our pathetic "Department Of Justice" was handed on a silver platter ALL of the evidence necessary to prosecute the largest names on Wall Street and they chose to do NOTHING .
Lehman Brother was the worst of the worst, and the executive scum from that criminal empire are still walking the streets free. Disgusting.
Close the fed - You are a moron, which can be realized by either just looking at your username, or by your comments. You have no idea what, if any, role this woman had to do with what happened at Lehman. I am sure she did play a part, but we don't know how much, and most importantly we do not know the intent behind the things she did while there. Get a life.
You are no longer free. You are owned by your master, and yes you are free to change masters, but you'll always be owned by someone. I will not freely give 1/3 of my life making some @sshole rich. Homey don't play that game.
"Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight
Somewhere out of a memory of lighted streets on quiet nights..." RUSH
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Well good morning JasonFinPhilly,,,,
,,,,,Thanks for exercising your high school girl level of intellect here.
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Nice that you can make your astute point based solely on facts.
The username you so ignorantly criticize refers to the "federal reserve", of which Lehman Brothers was one of the private banker owner. ( Try reading some history before embarrassing yourself publicly next time.)
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I stand by my criticism of Lehman Brothers. Its executives, and CEO Richard S. Fuld, Jr., ( aka the "face of evil" ), are foremost on the list of those who should have spent many, many years in federal prison.
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( Unfortunately, we are no longer living in the quaint myth of "all men are equal in the eyes of the law". We are now living in the era of too big to prosecute. )
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If you know the Lehman story it wasn't Callan, rather Dick Fuld, who ran the firm into the ground, making one bad decision after another. She did as he told her.
Fuld has pretty much walked away unscathed. Lehman is but a part of the collapse story but a pretty good indicator of the greed that brought down the house of cards. He likely copuld have saved the firm if he had been willing to cede money and power but his arrogance caused the opposite result.
Read "A Colossal Failure of Common Sense: The Inside Story of the Collapse of Lehman Brothers by Lawrence McDonald (not the NBC contributor).
Close the Fed - I am well aware of what your username refers to, which is why I call you a moron. Conspiracy theorist, gold standard, doomsday prepper is probably closer to true though I would bet.
Now please state some FACTS (if you know what those are) of how this woman was involved with anything illegal at Lehman, and why she should be thrown in jail.
This is a choice a couple make. From the start the have to be honest with each other and decide as a couple their priorities. If they decide for job and business first then they should be willing to live with the consequences. The same is true of putting family first. Be prepared to not own the newest car, the largest house on the block, or go out to eat every night. But, if you put family first then those are not your priorities anyway.
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Hello voxrationis,,,,,
,,,,, thanks for your kind note.
As you seem well read, you may well be aware that our ill-lustrous S.E.C. had offices INSIDE Lehman Brothers right up to the day of the collasp.
That would make the S.E.C. either criminally negligent/incompetent or criminally corrupt.
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Either way , it is criminal that Lehman Brothers was not prosecuted along with numerous other Wall Street vermin. ( And for the woman in this story to be seemingly proud of her past role as "chief financial officer at Lehman Brothers", pardon me if I am not impressed nor sad she didn't have kids instead.)
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Sorry JasonFinPhilly, you simply do not merit further comment.
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As someone now retired, I can look back and evaluate missteps. I worked and travelled all the time and missed out on a huge chunk of family life. Children grow up fast and eventually they'll learn to do without you if you haven't been around much.
And, you learn that you work yourself like a dog for a company that gets sold and leaves you in the dust...you helped create value for them but not necessarily for yourself.
Most of us have lost the joy of living and doing. Under pressure to pay bills, stay afloat, deal with banks and other rip-off artists, life becomes joyless fast. Then you get a serious illness that bankrupts you.
That's BECAUSE this SOCIETY has taught us that.......to be SUCCESSFUL......you have to "ZOOM UP" the ladder of SUCCESS......and let's you FORGET....hey.....YES.....you DO have a PRIVATE LIFE to take care of. In the END.....you are REDUCED to a MISERABLE HUMAN ROBOTIC machine......Guaranteed to make you MISERABLE......the REST of your life.
Oh...by the way.......you've just HELPED your boss with HIS SUCCESS..and/or....your company's INVESTORS. YOU?.....well, they can just throw you away....AFTER someone else BUYS the Company, and brings in their OWN CHEAP.......workforce. And.....you become.....as they say....EXPENDABLE.
Meanwhile......you are NOW.....talking to your LAWYER......on WHO.....gets the house, has CUSTODY of your children, how to Divide the property you and your husband......."WORKED SO HARD ALL YOUR LIVES"....to own. Of course?....what do you think?........I'm talking about DIVORCE!! stupid!
Close the Fed.
Clearly you don't understand that the author of the author has a historic bent to be anti-business.
This Lady took over a business that was failing that was bailed on by the previous executive who was doing something wrong. You are blaming her for things that she did not start and easily could have unknowingly continued wrong policies of her predecessor.
Her first prioirty was clearly to save the company from failing, not hunt for questionable policies.
Thank the feminist movement for all the stress and struggles, women. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Look at Marissa Mayer, had a child but do you think she'll be able to see him/her for more than a couple hours every week? Nope. She has babysitters and maids to raise the child. This is why most celebrity children end up strung out on drugs or with criminal records, or committing suicide, etc. Again thank the feminist movement, women are more concerned with money and the power it brings nowadays than their own internal happiness, and end up like Callan when they get old. Regret and depression galore. The cycle will continue until every Western woman is taking a cocktail of anti-depressants daily.
I wouldn't say that only women fall victim to that entrapment. Men are pretty guilty of that too, some might say more so.
In addition, I wouldn't solely blame this on the "feminist" movement on this entirely. While you are correct that they pushed for women to enter the workforce, there is nothing inherently wrong about that nor does it necessarily HAVE to restrict home life.
One could live in a family with a working mom, and a stay at home dad (if it made financial sense for the family to do so). THIS is more what the feminists had in mind.
In reality however, we have a situation where seemingly more and more, BOTH parents HAVE to work just to make ends meet, and THAT'S what destroys family lives. And that has more to do with globalization, the race to the bottom, and the economy than it does feminism.
Here on Long Island, where life is not cheap, 75 percent of my friends' families make it fine on one salary. Though both spouses are college educated, they all choose to make do with less money. There's less stress all around and both partners are on board.
You can't have your cake and eat it too. Look at Donald Trump, had a child but do you think he was be able to see him/her for more than a couple hours every week? Nope. He has babysitters and maids to raise the child. This is why most celebrity children end up strung out on drugs or with criminal records, or committing suicide, etc. Again thank the sexist movement, men are more concerned with money and the power it brings nowadays than their own internal happiness, and end up like Trumph when they get old. Regret and depression galore. The cycle will continue until every Western man is taking a cocktail of anti-depressants daily.
Two people are parents not just the woman!
May I ask what they do?
Please don't tell me their stock traders in NYC...
Regardless, making ends meet with only one salary in modern America is becoming harder and harder.
It's called downgrading your lifestyle. Live in a neighborhood that is not as nice, drive cars and eat below where you would have. Sacrifice. My wife has stayed home for 14 years now.
Is it tougher, yes? But to us it was the priority.
@DrowningGrover, I also would like to know what AndrAust friends do. I'm from Long Island and pretty much everyone I know are two salary families. There are only a couple that aren't and one IS a stock broker and the other an Engineer.
Spoken like a guy.
Kackd - Not every woman is your wife. A lot of women want to work and do something productive outside of the home. Being a stay at home mom is a hard (at least until they hit school full time) and important job, but not every woman is simply fine with that being their entire life. Not every family with 2 working parents is suffering and not seeing each other or their kids. I would agree you can't both be CEOs and have a lot of family time, but both people can have decent professional "9-5" jobs where they don't really work overtime or weekends, and get to spend plenty of time with their children. Remember once kids hit school, they are at school from what, 8-3pm? Probably close to 4pm-5pm by the time they are home and done with homework, so what time is really being missed.
So Al the husbands cant stay home with the kids while the wife works? You are an idiot.
Meyer sees her kid all the time. She's rich so she had a day care built next to her office.
Regulator - She probably still doesn't ever see the kid.
The Father of my church likes to call it "chasing ghost" referring to the never ending rat race to nowhere. I have no idea who this women is but I have no sympathy for her, most of the big trading houses committed fraud and instead of failing and being locked up they were bailed out and now receive free money from the Fed because otherwise they would have insolvent business's. Pathetic ..
AlBundymwc (above comment) makes the typical argument for people against women in the workplace. I find this to be an unenlightened (to put it nicely) argument. Are women solely responsible for raising children? Why isn't "paternity" leave a more common thing? Since when was it ok for fathers to be completely absent from their childrens lives?
The answer is, it isn't ok. A father should have just as great an impact on his childrens lives as the mother. Pretending that women focusing on their careers is the death of parenthood and that our children are going to be worse off because of it is ignorant. Raising children isn't a solo job: it's a partnership. "The man goes to work and the woman stays at home" is so 1950. Welcome to the 21st century.
To those of you about to say "What about single mothers?", I say "Do they have a choice but to work?" Things get more complicated when you are a single parent, but that doesn't mean having a successful career and raising great kids is impossible.
This is basically the post I made. Saying "this is what the feminists wanted," isn't correct, because it's NOT necessarily what the movement, as a whole, wanted.
The movement wanted OPTIONS, not forced labor in lieu of family time (I don't literally mean "forced" labor of course).
The fact that we live in a world where more and more, BOTH parents have to work has to do with economics and the stagnation of middle class wages going back to the 1970's rather than the feminist movement.
Michigander - that's all nice but men and women are NOT the same. Since the very beginning of time we have known this. Women think differently, they have different needs and they care about different things...
Over the past 40 years we (with help from the feminist movement) have tried denying this, but it doesn't change it. For million of years men and women have been different, now over the past 40 years we want to believe that's not true. Whether you believe in God or Mother Nature you cannot deny that fact. YES there are exceptions to every rule.
Our society created a war on men when the first bra was burned and the results speak for themselves.
Call me names - call me a racist bigot sexist... but that doesn't change things - are we better off as a society now that our children are being raised without their parents?
in no way was the feminist movement a "war on men." I'm a man, and I still think that's complete BS.
In some ways yes, in some ways no.
But again, you can't necessarily blame "feminism" for forcing families to go into an arrangement with two working parents, thank the economic policy makers for that one.
In the 1950s, my grandmother worked out of the home as a full time kitchen/laundry aide while my grandfather "stayed home" with my mom and her siblings and ran the family farm to make ends meet. It wasn't unusual at that time for families in the area - but it is very different from what we perceive as the 1950s.
Women have been working outside the home for a long time (think about families back when most labor was agricultural) and have still managed to be parents - even good parents. Don't blame "feminism" for women leaving the home to work. They'd already been doing it.
The fact that men are not as compassionate has been bred into them their whole life. 'boys don't cry' 'boys will be boys' boys don't play house or dress up or with dolls'. Do any of these sound familiar? We discourage boys from being good parents right from the beginning. If you are taught that playing house is wrong, but playing with toy cars, tools, etc where do you think that boy will put most of their energy when they become men. Although, even with these discouragements I have still witnessed some great fathers out there. Men more and more are being the primary parent.
Good advice! On a side note,she's a cutie!
The CFO of a bank is a Lawyer??? And then we wonder why it failed...
perhaps marissa meyers could learn a few things from her.
certainly by getting a new laugh.
Women are missing out on the best part of life when they "lean in" to a career. To choose and office and money and no time off over the happiness that comes with children and family life... is this whole generation of western women crazy? They need to realize that Work-Life Balance means trade-off. Everything means trade-off. There is no such thing in my view as a truly successful mother who is also a high successful career woman. One of the other suffers and mostly it is the children who suffer when their raising gets outsourced to paid strangers. Women of the world, wake up to yourselves. You have made great gains through feminism, but don't throw away the wonders and joys of womanhood in striving to do what men do. The mother staying home to raise children and the father working to provide has been a successful, proven model for millenia (it does not have to mean inequality of the sexes, and believe it or not, feminism has proven that to men - now women just need to believe it too). Sure you should work in your early lives and after the children have reached a reasonable age of independence, but your children are suffering if you choose work over being with them. I have never seen a truly successful mother who is also a career woman, despite what many would have you believe.
What a bunch of BULL from a man who thinks his advice on how women should live their lives is any thing other than paternal and patronizing. Two people are parents!
Men are missing out on the best part of life when they "lean in" to a career. To choose and office and money and no time off over the happiness that comes with children and family life... is this whole generation of western men crazy? They need to realize that Work-Life Balance means trade-off. Everything means trade-off. There is no such thing in my view as a truly successful father who is also a high successful career man. One of the other suffers and mostly it is the children who suffer when their raising gets outsourced to paid strangers. Men of the world, wake up to yourselves. You have made great gains through sexism, but don't throw away the wonders and joys of manhood in striving to do what women do. The father staying home to raise children and the mother working to provide has been a successful, proven model for millenia (it does not have to mean inequality of the sexes, and believe it or not, sexism has proven that to women - now men just need to believe it too). Sure you should work in your early lives and after the children have reached a reasonable age of independence, but your children are suffering if you choose work over being with them. I have never seen a truly successful father who is also a career man, despite what many would have you believe.
See how silly it sounds?
The reason is sounds silly is because you substituted men/man for women/woman. Just because you don't agree with what the person said doesn't mean it's BS.
Right on, sea! A lot of my male friends have changed careers or made changes in their jobs so they can spend more time raising their kids. Be a DAD! It's more than being a sperm donor.
no, what Richard said is ridiculously silly, and sea2see did a good job of pointing that out.
The point of "feminism" is so that women (and by extension, men) have options. The assertion by Richard that ALL women would be so much happier and are missing out on the best part of life by not birthing babies assumes that all women would be good parents.
Every decision in life comes with good, bad and unexpected consequences. For my personal self, I love children. But I was never one of those gushing types, and as a teen chose to make pocket money doing housekeeping instead of babysitting. Now past child-rearing age, part of me recognizes that not having a child puts far more responsibility on me in old age. But that time bought me the opportunity to re-parent myself and become a much better and more balanced person. I would have been a screaming, demanding mother. Trust me on that.
The other HUGE problem with the "women should stay home" argument is that many of my generation got educated (or not) and then put our husband's needs before our own. Move here, I'll work part-time or take in babysitting while he has the real job..... Then the spousal unit drops an A-Bomb on the relationship and suddenly the woman is supposed to go out and get a decent job with rusty, or no longer applicable skills. And I might note that in the halo of 1950's memories, spouses also walked off and left families. The difference is that now, a women can, hopefully, earn more than carhopping or housekeeping brings in. She has some shot at something other than abject poverty and scorn.
Feminism gave people choices. Everything in life can be used for good or bad, respected or abused. For me, I'll take the challenge of choices over the one-size-fits-all approach any day.
Men are missing out too. Work-life balance is not gender biased. Even if you do not want kids and a family you still need to balance your life. If you spend the best years of your life giving 80% of your energy to a company where do you end up? There needs to me more balance for all, not just women. "All work and no play' is never good. I'm pretty sure that saying was meant for men in the beginning. This is all she is saying. The only reason they are relating it to women is because it is rare to see a woman in a higher rank at a major company. I am pretty sure a lot of men look back and think 'what have I done with my life?' 'I wish I had spent more time with family/friends.' Etc. This is not a gender issue.
From the article:
"When Curry asked whether she aligns herself with current feminist thought, Callan replied: “I think it’s incredibly feminist what I’m saying because I’m saying it’s up to you. It’s your choice. Don’t let someone else tell you what to do. Don’t let someone else make you feel bad.” -- Callan
Nicely put.
So, Richard - what trade-off are you making to so that you don't miss out on being a good parent? Are you setting your career aspirations aside to be a good dad? Or is that just the woman's job - just because she is a woman? And so children never suffer when the dad isn't there because he is off doing his career thing? So incredibly prejudicial, presumptuous, insulting........and not just to women........you diminish the role of a father in a child's life with your comments, as if it doesn't matter whether the dad is even around as long as the mom is in her appointed place, at home.........
Here is my experience in motherhood and work. I am the mother of two daughters ages 24 and 22. I did not have a fabulous career, I did work part-time when my children were young. I loved my job but loved my children more and wanted to be the room mother, carpool driver, birthday party mom. I didn't want to miss all those things in their life.
Fast forward to last year while my 24 yr, who is about to graduate from law school, was on a Spring break trip with her law school friends. The girls began to discuss their mothers. To quote my daughter "it was a competition of who had the mother who was LEAST "there" when they were young." According to her they were all discussing how their mothers, mostly doctors, high power attorneys, and powerful business executives, missed their plays, birthday parties, sporting events, etc. They weren't saying they had "bad" mothers but certainly noticed that their mother didn't put them FIRST....over their job. My daughter said she didn't say anything until they were finished and then she said "My mom was there for everything. She didn't have a exciting career but she was always there for me and my sister" She said they all sat in silence for a few minutes.
As my daughter's venture out into the grown up world i've tried to let them know that what ever choice they make in career and family they need to remember that the idea that a person, man or woman, can have it ALL, demanding career and also be available for family is just not true. One of those things will suffer. You can't build relationships with people that you don't spend time with (spouse, friends, siblings, children) and you can't get ahead in your career if you're not willing to be there and build contacts and relationships at the office.
I think we do a disservice to our children when fail to give them a realistic picture of the world. Life is full of complex decisions and relationships and the more information we give our children the better.
Well said. My wife was always there and it cost us financially but it sure was worth it. Both are now successful and happy in their careers and family life. I was the absent parent and regret the things I missed. At the time I just knew all the work was the only way to go but in hind sight I could have achieved just as much and been with the kids more. Regrets they are a plenty!
What a beautiful response. I'm living the dream right now. I gave up my career in advertising and marketing nearly 13 years ago. Best decision of my life. Will I return to a career in the future? Perhaps. All things are possible -just not at the same time.
I have two girls ages 10 & 13. Do I want them to go to college and experience the world? You better believe it. Do I want them to have good marriages, children and careers? Yes. Do they have to do it ALL this at the same time? No.
Over the past 13 years, I've become a more interesting person. I'm physically active, artistic, funny, and have a great sex life. All because I chose to keep it simple.
I second that. My wife was a stay-at-home mother for the first12 or 13 years of our two daughters' lives, and to this day she cherishes the time she was able to spend with them. My daughters and wife are as bonded as one can imagine, and my younger daughter just gave birth to a beautiful grandchild, and is now also a stay-at-home mother, and is completely happy with her and her husband's decision.
My wife was able to return to the workforce after those first dozen years, starting at part time and eventually working up to full time, ultimately rising to a managerial position at her firm. After a few years of that, she tired of the constant demands on her time, even after hours, and threw in the towel and reverted to a non-management position, which made her much happier.
I am the most appreciative of my wife's sacrifices and hard work in doing most of the child-rearing and development, plus all the usual housework, cooking, etc, which enabled me to pursue a better financially rewarding career, in order to give them the good life they so deserved. Sadly, I missed a lot of time with my girls, such as the birthdays, and wished I did not have to have worked so much overtime to keep things going. Both of us still have a great relationship with our girls, and get together for dinner or just visiting on a regular basis.
So, that career razor cuts both ways, and a decision has to be made as to who can make a better living for the family, and who can raise the children, etc. It sucks that is had to be that way, but it's even worse nowadays, with both parents having to work just to make ends meet to continue their pre-parenthood lifestyle, or to have to adjust the standard of living downward. My daughter has a friend who recently had a child, and had to return to work after only 3 months with the baby. She is not a happy woman about this, and sorely misses the daily interaction with the baby, but she has no choice, as she earns more than her husband, who took a part-time position so as to spend time with the child. It's sad, but a fact of life.
Things were a lot simpler back in our day, which while not the Ozzie and Harriet fantasy, was the accepted norm, and we lived within our means. You learn quickly to differentiate between wants and needs, and letting wants become needs is folly. I don't envy anyone who has to raise a family in today's economy and society, and pray my daughter is able to do so without a lot of drama.
I also think that women tend to "downplay" the importance of staying at home and raising their children. It is not work to be looked down on AT ALL. It is in fact the most important work you will ever do. So feeling like you need to be productive in society is really an incorrect reality, in fact you are being productive in society by RAISING society. Kids are only small for a short period of time and yes once they go to school they will be gone for many hours a day.
I work part time, the least amount pssible to still pay our bills, we drive older cars, budget for everyhting and do not have any frills. We are fortuante that my daughter gets to be with my husband on the days I work due to the fact he works "shift" type work.
I did the math, my child sleeps 12 hours at night. If I worked full time, she would be in daycare for 4 days a week or more, (since it is very hard to find part time day care, most will only take you if you commit to full time 5 days a week.) She would be with a daycare provider 40 hours a week, seeing as most work days are not 8 hours, they are 8 1/2 and sometimes more, and she would be with family for only about 38. We did not have a child to let someone else spend more time with her than we do. She is getting to an age where discipline will be needed and I want us to be the ones handling that with her not my daycare.
There is no "have it all", something has to give. Whether you are a man or a woman, that is just reality. If your child or children are sick and you need 4 days off work, you feel guilty for not being committed to work, if you chose to not commit to work you feel inadequate because yo chose to put off a career in the "outside" world for a few years. You feel guilty when you miss your child's first school play pr first field trip, because it happen at 11am. And this applies to whether you are a mom or a dad.
But truth be told, women and men ARE different, thay just are! We are made differently. It "fits" for a woman to stay at home and for a man to be the "bread winner". Not that everyone has to do it this way, but it is just the truth.
Even if she wanted very much to get married and have kids that doesn't mean she would have no matter what her job was. Meeting a partner and making the commitment to raise kids isn't a given and isn't for everyone. It is easy to point fingers when your life wasn't your perfect dream and one wonders if her career was still flying high if she'd have the same sour grapes.
Why do we think that if someone is rich that they have something important to teach us?
Reading all these articles, one might assume that the only women out there in their 40's are either childless highly driven careerists or family women who sacrificed career for family. What about all of us that have decent middle of the road careers, where we almost never work overtime, almost never check emails outside of work, and who wanted a family, but couldn't find anyone and gave up. My dream of a family morphed into the reality/embracing of the 'fun aunt' role to all my friends kids, including attending some of their school/sports events and taking them out for occasional special fun (overnights at the zoo, a sports game etc.). Nobody gets 100% of what they want.
S-1914173 I was that aunt also.
At 50 - I now look back, and while in my twenties, I was driven, and wanted to be that CFO. But I realized that those big companies didn't care less about you. They used you and they spit you out. There was no point in giving up every hour of your personal life, working 15 hours days, for men that would fire you in a heartbeat, to save themselves, and they always took all the credit for your hard work. That's what the "Golden Boys" do in those Fortune 500 companies. Glad I have had a balance between my personal and professional life - two great girls and great husband of 28 years.....and I'm still Managing a Tech Support group for a large Software company in the US. The children will love you forever....Business, they won't remember you tomorrow when they have to lay you off to put more bonus money into their own pockets.
Great post!
so true, whether you are a man or a woman. Your company will not be covering your funeral costs, nor will they care when you go, but your family & friends will. Wherther you are married, single whatever your situation, spend time with those you love, that is time you will never regret spending!
Yes, please. I'd like some advice from a former Lehman exec. Anyone from Enron have anything to add?
It's always good when people tell other people how to live their lives, because that one-size-fits-all approach definitely works, because we're all the same. Right.
Apparently you didn't bother to read the article. Here is what she said "It’s your choice. Don’t let someone else tell you what to do".
Ahhhhhh yes, the American way, isn't this what 'free enterprise crony capitalism' is all about- freedom of choice!! Making the 'big bucks' at the expense of your personal and family life, not to mention how you screwed the public. Now, when the rose colored sun glasses get a little foggy we give 'advice' on what not to do.....hillarious!! Try making 'real' financial restitution to the 'public' and maybe we will listen and believe.
unfortunately the large corporations don't behave on the hindsight of former CEOs
Us international policy didn't change when fessed up to his stupidity and regret
Mega corporations must be put under public control and oversight and officials must be exposed to the full force of the law
If the main purpose of being a top dog in a corporation is to amass large personal wealth this will continue over and over again until the average person is so impoverished that most people will see no alternative but a bloody revolution
I'm a working, married mom with a career and two kids. I don't feel guilty for working. I think I'm a great example to both my daughter and son of a strong women who DOES make her kids a priority and is raising them with a great work ethic. We're blessed that I also have a pretty good flexible work schedule that allows me to leave the office and go to their school party or their plays. I'm also the parent that is off at 5 p.m. every day to pick up the kids as my husband's job requires much longer work hours. We eat together at the table every night, we're very involved in our kids' lives and education, my husband is a fantastic co-parent who is also very involved, and it works well for our family. We live in a town with great schools and the highest household income levels in our state so I see a lot of kids with stay-at-home moms. For those making the argument above that stay-at-home moms are somehow superior and raising better kids than working moms like myself because they are at home more, it's simply untrue. I see plenty of examples right here in my own neighborhood of bad parenting by stay-at-home mom households. I will not allow my daughter to go to her friend's house. If they play, her friend has to come over to our home. Her mother is a stay-at-home mom, but she allows her 6-year-old child to roam the neighborhood alone. When I picked my daughter up from her house one evening, neither parent was anywhere to be found, and her child was literally hanging from a bookshelf when her brother opened the front door. They were completely unsupervised by any adult. So this archaic argument that seems to pop up that stay-at-home moms have better families, better parenting skills, and better kids just by virtue of being at home more doesn't hold water. What it really boils down to is parenting skills, ethics and morals taught and lived by in the home, and priorities. You can be a stay-at-home mom and still not make your children a priority or spend quality time with him. I find as a working mom that I make my children a priority a lot more and that I focus on making that time quality. A lot of the stay-at-home moms I know spend most of their time shuffling their kids around to a thousand different activities in their overscheduled lives. I spend a lot more time with my kids while having a career than some of these stay-at-home moms I know spend with theirs. Education and family is our household priority over schedules and extracurricular things at this young age. I was raised in a two-parent home where both of my parents had to work very long, hard hours in the restaurant business because they had me young and didn't have an education. We never went without, but my parents missed out on a lot in our lives. On the other hand, I got my strong work ethic, honesty and ethical standards from the example both of my parents set for us. I went to college and got my bachelor's and master's degree so I could create a good, financially secure life for my future family that I didn't have growing up, but also be at a management level that gives me the flexibility in my schedule to make my family a priority. We have a great work/life balance, and I'm proud of that as both a wife and mom.
Very well said! I am a 44 year old single mother - my mother was a stay at home mom; however, she didn't attend sporting events, concerts and the like. I got a job at 16 and had to find my own way to work. I know another family with a "stay at home mom" whose husband comes home from work, cooks dinner, and does the laundry. It's about parenting skills, not who spends the most time in the house.
Most of the comments seem to be from people with careers, not dead-end jobs. I worked in a factory for 15 years with a rigid schedule and not much income. I finished my undergraduate education at age 37 - my children were my greatest supporters. They know that education is valuable and worth working for. I have a flexible work schedule and the kids are none the worse for both parents working. My oldest daughter will graduate from college in May - she now appreciates how hard I had to work to accomplish my degree. My children consider me a good mom - that is the most important consideration!
Why in the world do these men feel entitled to even comment on this article in this way? It was men with those ancient beliefs that caused women that desired a major career to have to "give up" those other things to achieve it! They were the ones saying women could not compete because they weren't committed enough. Now they use an article like this one to crow about how "feminists" made such a mistake.
I had a highly demanding career for twenty years (am a professor now, and feel like it is a part time job) . My then-husband was pretty much not there and I was and still am the main financial stay of the family. I had to go back to work the day after my youngest was born, and had two weeks off with the first. My boys are extremely well behaved and adjusted as they finish high school and head to college.
It makes me furious for people to assume there is always a choice that can be made. And that children of working mothers end up damaged.
I was so very fortunate to have a pt time career and raise the happiest and most well adjusted family. We were never rich but we never lacked anything. We were able to pay for private college and send these well educated children into the world well ready. I thank my own parents for leaving me this legacy. I encouraged my children to have a balance but it is all their decision.
Make a choice... career or family is your priority. Picking one doesn't mean not doing the other, it just means that you can't expect to be at the top with both. For you to 'have it all', that means soemone else has to pick up the slack because nobody can do it all on their own.
'Have-it-all' = Selfish
I think many people are missing the point here. She is not saying don't be a career woman at all. She is saying don't do it with blinders on. She did it not even realizing that she was sacrificing a lot of her personal life. When things went haywire (for whatever reason) she realized that she had given her all to people who don't care about you. Who better to take advice from than someone who has been through it? Whether she made financial mistakes for the company is a different story, she is giving her personal life opinion. When someone is in a good high ranking position we don't hesitate to ask their advice if we want to, why not her since she's been through it. And her bottom line is, when you think everything through and make a decision, do what you want, don't let anyone tell you what to do. That is perfect advice. Know all the options and possible outcomes and then make the decision that is best for you.
I'm not sure why people think they get to have it all. All choices come with consequences. You need to pick the ones that work best for you and your family. Then be satisfied with your choices. There are only so many hours of the day and you only have 100% to give. The grass is always greener and it's always easier to judge to others as bad to make ourselves feel better. Move on, make peace with your choices and be happy.
The bottom line is exactly what this young woman is saying. If you want to be successful, you have to do things that men have been doing for years. And a lot of time, it involves compromising your life, yourself, your morals and your beliefs. You can go to church every Sunday and pray for help, but what you do from Monday through Saturday pretty much determines what life you're living, and going to live if you don't make changes.
When my brother died of Cancer 3 years ago at the age of 45, I was in the hospital room about 3 hours before he died. I woke up to so much that day. He had worked, and worked, and worked his entire life, sometimes 2, 3 jobs at a time. He was a father, and a husband. In that room were my mom, me, my sister, his wife, and a longtime friend of his. There were no clients, no co-workers - my brothers' last wishes were not that he would have just a couple more hours of work time. What amazed me was the very ones who he saw least, were the ones who were there in his last moments, and the ones who he gave all of his time to were nowhere to be found.
That completely changed my thinking about how I view work. I try as best I can to create relationships where I work, but how far up the ladder I travel means absolutely nothing to me. I do the best I can, pay my bills, but when I leave here, it stays here. I spend time with my son, my boyfriend as much as possible, and with God and me. As my brother proved on his last day, in the end, that is really all that matters.
And by the way - I won't step anybody, lie, cheat, steal, cut corners, whatever to move ahead. And if I see things that are not right, I'm tellin. So that business would have never worked for me anyway. I have a tendancy to be too vocal about how I feel. Hasn't worked well for me in business - but in life, it's a part of my personality that I'm very proud of.
And this is not a battle between man and woman; this is a battle with one's self. No matter who started this fight, or who continues this fight, it all comes down to personal choices. I don't have to do anything better than a man, or prove that I can fit in more than a man, or any of that. When I wake up in the morning, the only person I'm staring at in the mirror is me. I make okay money, I pay my bills (I think), I have a personal life, I'm a single mom, I do some public speaking, I volunteer, and I get sleep. Some days, I do nothing. All choices made by me.
All success in terms of heads of business, politics, etc. comes down to a group of people trying to prove something to somebody. You have to ask yourself when you are in this group, who are you trying to prove something to? If it's everybody else, then you're thoughts are misguided because they don't care.
Very few people go to their graves thinking that they should have spent more time at work.
My wife's life has been taken over by her work. Our relationship at home has become 'friendly roommates.' It's OK to be successful in business but when personal relationships are brushed aside...well...it's a slippery slope which rarely ends. Believe me, I'm looking elsewhere.
Please talk to her before letting you marriage fail. She may be as unhappy about her wor/klife balance as you are.
yeah after lehman went TU we'll remember not to do it your way
The "new" feminist movement (a label I really prefer not to use) is about demonstrating how impactful work life balance can be to ALL of us. It's not just about who works outside the home vs. who doesn't - it is about putting a structure in place that values fathers, mothers and children EQUALLY, provides them with OPTIONS to create the family they choose, and invests in them so they can continue to invest in our society. The fact of the matter is, when we provide the tools and resources to help getting as many people into the work force as possible, we ALL benefit.
I am a married working mother, with a husband whom I deem an equal partner in this whole endeavor, but I am also the primary breadwinner, and choose to spend a pretty sizable chunk of our current income on a high quality daycare for our son. Why? Not only to demonstrate a good work ethic to him, but also to SAVE FOR RETIREMENT. If I took some time off, and couldn't save, and decided instead to keep my hand out for SSI, well, I am sure plenty of people would tell me that it isn't their fault I decided not to work and save and therefore they shouldn't pay me in my golden years for not contributing. (probably the same people who are telling me I am awful for having "strangers' raise my son and picking a career over him)
To that end, anyone who considers daycare as "raising" someone's child has NO idea what daycare is all about. My son's teachers love him in their own way, and he loves being there as well, but trust me, he knows who his parents are and WE are the ones who are enstilling OUR family values to him. Daycare does many things, but raising a child is a very far stretch.
I am fortunate that I have tremendous workplace flexibility, including telecommuting one day a week. Further, my current role allows me to be strictly 9-5. However, I also know I cannot advance until I am willing to be more available. So I make the conscious, and perhaps not the most lucrative choice, to stay put so I can have the best of both worlds. I enjoy working as much as I enjoy and love my son. But I also realize I am in a position of privilege to even have the choice, which brings us back to the central theme - when we provide the appropriate structure that embraces working families as equal partners in creating a robust economy, we will all be the better for it.