By Alison O'Brien
Rock Center
It happens in a lot of new relationships. Every day, you learn something new about each other. It happened with David and Kristen Finch.
“David was quirky,” Kristen said. “Always just very sweet and funny, [and] kind of nerdy, but in a cute nerdy way.”
“Very sexy nerd,” David interjected and, smiling, Kristen agreed.
The two met while attending high school in their small Illinois town and after years as friends, David and Kristen began dating. To Kristen, he was “super boyfriend” – a go with the flow guy who was the life of any social gathering.
“He was entertaining the whole room,” said Kristen, age 35. “And it got people laughing.”
But, when they married in 2003, the laughter stopped. Kristen was confused.
“I thought, what happened?” she said. “You know, it was almost like night and day after we got married.”
Once they were living together, David’s actions, once quirky to Kristen now seemed strange. They began to put a strain on their marriage. David, then in his twenties, was obsessed with daily rituals. He would take an hour to make his breakfast. He’d meticulously wash and cut grapes, make his oatmeal and tea. When it came to his eggs, he would line up the carton making it parallel to the countertop and carefully scramble his eggs to make sure the consistency was the same from one day to the next.
David, who was working as an engineer, had an outfit for each season. In the winter, he’d wear a sweatshirt with Eastern printed on it and track pants. In the summer, he’d wear a t-shirt and shorts that became so worn, they developed holes. Every day, he had to wear the same clothes because if he didn’t, David said he “would silently freak out.”
NBC News
David Finch staring at rooftops, one of the rituals that helps calm him.
“Tension would mount and I couldn't say anything. Pretty soon I'd start snapping at people,” he explained in an interview with Kate Snow airing Thursday, Sept. 27 at 10pm/9c on NBC's Rock Center with Brian Williams.
The rituals would continue until bedtime. Every night, David would stare out the window at his neighbors’ rooftops. He found the symmetry calming.
“I have a physiological response,” he said. “My shoulders relax. My head calms down and it's kind of nice.”
But it wasn’t so nice for Kristen. While she took care of the house and their two children, daughter Emily and son Parker, David was fixated on himself. When things didn’t go exactly as planned, he’d obsess endlessly. It happened one Thanksgiving when there was garlic in the mashed potatoes. According to David, garlic didn’t belong in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.
“I would sit there and I would complain about it,” David recounted. “And I'd bring it up constantly to Kristen. And then she would get on my case, because she would be very confused. She thinks I look like a baby and I think this is completely unfair, but I don't know how else to react. And so that would set me off.”
In recalling the incident, Kristen said, “I’m thinking how am I going to do this the rest of my life?”
Things were spiraling out of control until March 13, 2008. Kristen, a speech therapist who works with autistic children, was doing research for a client when she came across an online quiz. It was a test of Asperger’s Syndrome, an autism spectrum disorder characterized by repetitive tendencies, obsessive interest in several narrow subjects, difficulty reading the emotions of others and social difficulties. When she started reading the questions, Kristen says, she realized her husband had Asperger’s.
“All of a sudden, the light bulb went off,” she said.
David Finch on Asperger's Diagnosis at 31: It was a 'moment of self-recognition'
She had David take the quiz, but didn’t tell him why or what it was about. The questions ranged from “Do you find it vitally important to remain undisturbed when you’re focusing on your special interests?” to “Do you feel tortured by certain clothes?” The longer the quiz went on, the more personally revealing the questions – and his answers – were.
At the end, the computer tallied his score - 155 out of 200 possible points – and determined it is likely he had Asperger’s. He cried.
“I cried because it was this moment of self-recognition I had never had before,” he said.
A doctor confirmed his diagnosis and, at age 31, David finally had a reason for his behaviors, and an idea of what may be causing his marriage to suffer. In the same way he obsessed over his neighbor’s rooftops, he was now obsessed with fixing himself and his marriage to Kristen. He decided on his own that he needed to modify his behavior.
“I wanted to change,” he said. “I wanted to learn how to manage these behaviors. To give myself a better life, to get our marriage back on track and to earn back Kristen's friendship; to be a better dad and to have a more fulfilling life.”
But David didn’t keep that news to himself. Instead, he decided to go public with his story, writing a memoir which became a New York Times best-seller called “The Journal of Best Practices.”
It’s not a self-help book, but a book about his journey of self-discovery and his efforts to save his marriage to Kristen. It grew from notes he wrote reminding himself to break out of his head and be more responsive to those around him, be a present husband and father, and pay attention to the needs of other people. He even wrote reminders about simple needs such as not to change the radio station when Kristen is singing along, and as important as taking initiative and being a dad.
“I’ve made being a better husband, the husband that I want to be, my special interest,” the 35-year-old David said. “And it’s paying off.”
He’s seeing results in many areas of his life. One note, “parties are supposed to be fun,” reminds David to be good, worthy company at a party. While that may seem like a no-brainer to most, it is a difficult task for David as people with Asperger’s often have a difficult time in social situations. Before his diagnosis, the way David would cope in a group was to mimic the behavior of people who he thought did a great job of fitting in. His favorite role was “the comedian.”
“In order to socialize, I found it was easiest just to get people laughing,” David Finch said. “I would do these ridiculous stunts and jokes, and people loved this.”
But getting people laughing, he found, was exhausting and not entirely fulfilling.
“I would keep that up at like manic, frenetic pace for like an hour, and then I would leave the party,” he said.
So David began studying not just the great humorists, but great communicators. One of his favorite people to study is radio shock jock, Howard Stern.
“Howard’s really an amazingly effective communicator,” he said. “What I’m taking away is his system for engaging his listener.”
By adopting his pacing and voice modulation, and taking cues from his body language, David says he has become better company.
“What I can do is I can give them a couple of minutes of that [humor], and then I can slow it down,” David Finch said. “I can get rid of the shtick and I can really engage in a nice conversation.”
David calls this behavior modification, unlearning old behaviors and learning new ones. He is adamant that he is not curing Asperger’s, nor does he believe one should. He simply says that he wanted to change and has made it a priority. Now, four years after his diagnosis, David says he’s still a work in progress, and Kristen says they met in the middle to put their marriage back on track.
“I guess that was why when we got the diagnosis that I knew that we were going to be ok, because I knew we were both willing to change to make it work,” she said.
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I'm in my 40's now, never been diagnosed and I've actually tried to ignore articles on the subject because a part of me didn't want to sound nuts for seeing the signs that I may be an aspie. Funny enough, an article in Sports Ill. written up about a young surfer's road to his diagnosis is what made me actually 'see' myself and accept that I may need to dig deeper for understanding. 100% of my life I have been called 'weird'. 'strange', and 'a little off'. I have a difficult time looking into people's faces if I'm trying to talk to them but I can stare all day at a person that for various reasons, fascinate me. I get upset and angry if my routine is interrupted. The SI article that I read was about 3 years ago and when I read it, I said, "that's me". It was always in the back of my mind until a few things that happened this year brought it to the fore front. I saw 2 movies, each about aspies men and I said to myself, "wait, that's me". Then when the articles came out from doctors wanting to change how autism would be classified, I read all the attributes of an aspie and I said, "that's me" This article here, when he talked about his clothes, I was like, "omg that is me". All my life, I could not stand to be touched, my body hurt to the touch, unless I was prepared for a touch. There are certain things that I can't allow to touch my hands, I constantly keep them balled up into fists. I have always had this rocking motion going, so my mom brought me my first little red rocker when I was a 1-year old. Right now if I'm not rocking one of my legs has to be moving, I have to catch myself doing it and tell myself to stop. Although I studied people, because I just couldn't understand why I was different and I wanted to find out, I have a hard time imitating them. I'm good at reading emotions, but not always so great at showing the proper emotion needed for certain moments. I have even been accused of having no feelings because my face show no emotions when there should be something there. I also took an online test and it said I tested strongly for being an aspie. I have no idea how to get diagnosed as an adult, I want to know for sure, because I believe that a nephew is also an aspie, undiagnosed, and I believe that what I am seeing in him would be looked into quicker if docs could see it is in my family already, that he's not the first. There is so much more about aspies that fit me to a tee, my family are not helpful, they are good with just considering me strange, if they can't understand me when I express my feelings about this, how would I go about talking to a professional? I have a meltdown just imagining it.
Dee, you mentioned a few behaviors that my son has, who HAS been diagnosed w/ Asperger's. I have read that it is genetic. See my post below. Good luck
Is Aspie more common only in White people?
I am a very healthy 47 year old man, unmarried and no children. Now I think I know why.
Ive always been very self consumed and focused on doing things in a specific manner and typically get frustrated when interrupted. This is more than likely the reason why I'm single. I look back at my past relationships and remember being overly critical about certain things that shouldn't matter, one in particular is my girlfriend at the time would constantly fold my underwear a different way than I did, it drove me up the wall to open the drawer and see this. When I should have been grateful she did my laundry. Ive driven away many a good girlfriend with my idiosyncrasies. I think I'll look to find out if I suffer from this Aspergers.
Thanks
My son has it. See my comment below to read a few examples of the "most common behaviors". I would also suggest googling it, read about it. Then if you really think you are in this category and want a proper diagnosis, follow-up w/ a neurologist. It just helps to know, and make others aware. The general public doesn't realize how much we judge subconsciencely. My son has had an amazing 4 yrs since being diagnosed. Good luck Chucky.
reads article, has epiphany, buys gun tomorrow
Just wondering... Have those who were diagnosed as adults or self-diagnosed... Was Nonverbal Learning Disability considered as well? I would think NLD would need to be considered and ruled out before a definitive Asperger diagnosis is made.
This was a very interesting and educational story. It makes me happy this beautiful family persevered and found the answers to keep them together! I know I learned a huge lesson through this story.
Is Obama an ASPIE? He keeps doing the same things over and over is unwilling to change.
Great guy, truly putting in a LOT of hard work to save his marriage. Kudos to his wife for not giving up!
All humans should have their genetic code analyzed. That way each person could
decide whether to pass on defective genes. When genetic testing becomes
affordable, perhaps we can rid ourselves of many very debilitating inherited disorders.
I'm hopeful no parent would knowingly burden a child with a condition that could be
prevented through testing and analysis.
I am of the opinion many of our issues stem from the industrial age before any kind of safety regulations were ever seriously considered. I'm convinced the multiple exposure to nuclear fall out from testing, accidents, storage and worst of all ocean dumping, has contributed to the mutations we see now.
Susan, yes. I am classified "PDDNOS" because I'm a little bit aspie, a little bit NLD. Put another way, the Classifiers categorize some of my attributes as "aspie" and others of my attributes as "NLD". But they're all "me".
kienhoa, huh? "Defective genes"? What other kind is there? Sin is a human universal. Nobody's perfect. If only the "perfect" ones reproduced, there would be no Next Generation!
Oh no, not someone saying that autistics who do well are the exception. What a surprise; a curist decides to overplay the negatives and cause damage to the people he claims to help. Nasty.
An Autistic.
To whom are you replying? Are you replying to someone? The way your post was written, it appeared to be targeting a particular person who is a "curist" (is that a person who believes that autism is a disease to be cured rather than a difference to be accepted? or did you mistype "purist"?). To reply to a particular poster, please click on the "REPLY" icon following his/her post.
My son was diagnosed w/ Asperger's when he was only 10. My mother was told by a professional to read up on it, bec of behaviors my dad showed. When my mom 1st approached me w/ the information, I was outraged! I became extremely upset & cried, stating "you don't know what you're talking about! How dare you say my dad & son have a type of Autism!" But then I read an article from our local paper about a teen boy who had Asperger's. They described his behaviors, such as not wanting to really be around other people, showing extreme affection to the family dog, but none to family. Very particular to certain clothes (nothing to do w/ brand names, more like the feel of them) Very awkward around people in general, not really having close friends, etc. That's when I REALLY cried, and said "omg, they do have it" and we followed up w/ the neurologist he'd already been going to, since my poor child also has ADHD. After several "quiz's" that were given to mom, dad, & teachers, the diagnosis was confirmed. And honestly it was a relief to just know. So every year, I make the new teachers aware of why my son doesn't make eye contact and why he may have difficulties joining in on group projects, etc. I applaud everyone for going public w/ this info, so we don't feel like loners.
Heck i embrace my ocd and other oddities, i find i research things I'm interested in to no end but i see that as a good thing, what is really normal anyhow. Alot of people are turds anyways and who wants to be around a bunch of self absorbed a-holes so it just gives me more time to myself and hobbies
Have any of the posters watched "Doc Martin"? It's a British television series and it's available on Netflix streaming service. It's supposed to be a comedy but it's much more than that! Doc Martin is the personification of Aspbergers and his interactions with others is very revealing. One episode mentions this disorder and suggests he has it. My husband and I both loved this series. Martin Clunes is the lead actor.
I have a 30 year old son that definately has all the symptoms of Aspergers. It has stopped him from being able to hold a job or complete college. He is extremely intelligent. Throughout his school years he was a straight A student in excellerated classes. He also has OCD. He is without insurance and I have yet to find a place that will help him and I can't afford to pay for any type of treatment or therapy. Can anyone tell me where he might be able to get help? We live in Illinois.
"Do you find it vitally important to remain undisturbed when you're focusing on your special interests?"
As a matter of fact...YES! If I'm trying to study or write something, the last thing I want is somebody calling me on the phone to waste my time with meaningless "small talk." There's nothing wrong with me for expecting that. But there is PLENTY wrong with people nowadays, who yammer endlessly about NOTHING.
As far as I'm concerned, all conversation must be educational in nature, or I won't do it. I want to LEARN something, TEACH something, and DO something CONSTRUCTIVE. If you don't like it, then keep your smart remarks to yourself. I have no moral obligation to accommodate YOU.
This actually sounds much more like OCD than Asperger's, which is unfortunate since Asperger's Diagnosis seems to be the diagnosis du jour and needs all of the credible publicity it can get. Many of the issues discussed in this article are textbook OCD... the only reason he'd likely consider himself on the Autism spectrum is because 1) he's the kind of smart (engineer) that requires tedious attention to detail and 2) OCD has a negative social stigma whereas Asperger's is more socially acceptable these days... and I digress.
My son was "different" from the time he was born. He hated being held, did not like human contact, did not want to be hugged - he would cry for hours but would scream when I picked him up. I finally found that I could put him in his car seat and drive around the block until he calmed down. He did not verbalize things, he walked at 4 months holding on to things and by himself at 8 months. He did not potty train or talk until he was 4. I spent years trying to find out what was wrong with him, but all I ever got from Doctors and pshycologists was that "boys will be boys". One psychologist told me there was nothing wrong with my son, it was me! Finally when he was 6 he was diagnosed as ADHD - but that was the new "buzz word" for any behavior that could not be explained away back then so I accepted it and at least got some assistance. Well, he hated the ritalin and the anger and temper bursts came to be more than I could deal with so after he tried to push his younger sister out in front of a moving car, I had to make the decision to have him placed in specialized foster care. THEN he became part of the system and I don't think he has forgiven me yet - he is almost 33.
He has been on and off of drugs, but will not take medication to help him because of his experience with ritalin - however he has no problem using pot to calm him down. He says that people have to accept him for who and what he is and that he is unwilling to change. He is a great person, but has no self confidence and when he gets a job, he will work very hard until someone says anything critical or disparaging then he starts obsessing on the comment until he figures he is a failure and has to quite and move on to something else. I love him but it's exhausting. He would rather live under a bridge then do what he needs to do to fit in and live like a "normal" person. I finally had to realize that there wasn't anything I could do except love him and turn him over to God for protection. He does call me on my birthday and Mother's day, and he keeps in touch with his sisters, but they also can only take so much before he exhausts them. I really wish there was more I could do, but he won't even admit to the problem.
Benaidens mom, Scott-369576 may be correct that his son's diagnosis was modified so he could receive special education services. Each state's laws and even some counties within a state have different rules. Even though they must adhere to federal guidelines to received funds, a particular state may not offer services for certain conditions or diagnoses.
I'm in a relationship with a man that has Aspergers and it's been the most challenging and rewarding relationships of my life. I have learned patience and the importance of routine while also learning how to spend more time thinking things over before I act. Prior to meeting him, I was very impulsive and often regretted my impulsive decisions. Now, I think things over more and talk to him about things, which is also new for me. I've taught him to be impulsive at times and find that we fill a need in each other that no one else has.
With that being said, we've never lived together and don't spend as much time together as I have in previous relationships. After reading David's book on Aspergers, he and his wife didn't really experience many issues until they lived together and the veil was lifted on how he really was around the clock. I think both of us worry about that and that has kept us from moving in together.
One thing I am sure about is that him being an Aspie has made him unique and special. I've never wanted to work more on a relationship as I have with ours and so far, more than 2 years into it, it's been worth it. Would there be things I would change about him if I could, maybe, but I'm really happy and so is he. We're both learning so much about ourselves and how to be functioning and happy in a relationship.
My heart goes out to those that are suffering through this process as it can be powerful and beautiful. At the end of the day, we all want to find someone we really connect with and when that happens, really happens, it's magical.
My Asperger grandson gives me fresh insight on many interactions that I have taken
for granted. He can be wickedly funny about it too. He may be horrified to appear different at times, but I think sometimes the best people are different. When some of his teachers fault him for being too smart to have any problems, I have to question their wisdom.
I have a PDD-NOS that appears QUITE similar to Asperger Syndrome, although not by any means identical to Asperger's, and I have ADD, and I have the chronic Anxiety & Depression that quite ofen accompany these conditions. I always felt, actually knew, that I was very different from most everyone, and was secretly ashamed of this pervasive difference. I've lived and wrestled with all of these conditions throughout my entire 60 year life, and didn't really come to a decent understanding of it all until about a decade ago. Prior to that I had been misdiagnosed, and improperly medicated, a number of times. These conditions are not something that can be wished away, nor can they be willed or worked away through great effort or moral strength. They're simply physiological and neurological facts. They are not "curable" because they ARE actually neurophysical differences, unlike an infection that can be treated with antibiotics or antivirals, or learned behaviors that can sometimes be changed through sincere effort and practice. Though, changes can be made through adaptation, which obviously becomes easier with accurate diagnosis, knowledge, and thoughtful effort-filled work. I am no longer ashamed of my condition, I have come to accept it as "my normal", and I no longer try to disguise or hide it from the world as I did for so many decades. Now I just try to adapt, deal with it, do no harm, help others when I am able to so without compromising my principles, and stay as stable as possible. Shame, disguise, and denial got me nowhere in life. Now, instead, I just want to be straight with everyone, especially my three wonderful sons, and with my God.
In our family we have two little ones with autism. One just said his first words at the age of seven - a very happy time! Another three have aspergers. I have read all of the above comments and wanted to respond to what some of you have written. Ben - As an undergraduate I could not take a test without help because of the anxiety and any noise. I used a rain tape while testing. It calmed me down and blocked out all the noises. I have used rain and recordings for many years - it really helps. My mother used to say that rain is God's medicine - it feels like it to me. When my son was born I had the midwife open the window so I could hear the rain, so I could be calm - it helped. I cannot sleep without my rain tape just like I cannot sleep on regular sheets - it actually feels like pain on my skin. Back to the college story- . . . I went through the office of disability concerns but some professors were quite hateful. One professor (Psychology/Personality course) told me that even though my grade had averaged to a high A that he would be giving me a B because I had had an advantage over the other students by taking my test in the disability office. I was so surprised and hurt I did not advocate for myself at the time. This is the thing with Aspergers. Most of the time I cannot figure out what is happening in social situations until later. When I do finally figure out that someone was being mean I get really depressed. I have a B.S. in Anthropology, a M.S. in History, and have certification to teach High School. I have also thought about teaching at a community college. Maybe that would be better but it would be difficult to support myself with a part time job - many of these type jobs are part time. The job market being what it is I am still applying but due to a similar situation of my not understanding when someone is being mean that happened during my student teaching I now am second guessing myself. I keep educating myself more and more but fitting in and understanding how to navigate socially around certain people is not getting easier. Right now I feel like my hope is going away. The thing to remember is that social isolation is so very painful. Even for people who do not approach others they still feel. They also should have a place and purpose in our society. There is a movie about a professor named Temple who has Aspergers. She is an expert with animals, especially cattle - she is a very caring person. In the movie some people were really mean to her but even though she was socially not able to stand up against them I could see the pain. I am glad she had a family that advocated for her so that she eventually found a place in this life. Everyone should be able to fit in somewhere.
Cartemis,
I feel your pain. Well, no...not exactly. I feel my pain and imagine that your pain is something like it. At any rate, the experiences you described appear similar to some of my own.
I have a B.A. in Psychology--a pseudoscience--and was a seminar and a thesis from an M.A. in Special Education when I dropped out. I also have two teaching credentials--Multiple Subjects and Learning Handicapped Specialist.
I so wanted to work with small children! They are my delight, perhaps because they are more like animals than (adult) people. They live in the moment; their movements are fluid; their responses are spontaneous. The things they say betray active mental processes, underlying an overarching facade of intrinsic wonder at the world around them. Since my diagnosis, I have come to realize that being that One Person a group of Early Learners looks to for an adult example is beyond my reach. Occupying that position would be an act of almost unthinkable selfishness. Young children need someone who can teach them how to communicate, not only with spoken and written words and symbols but with gestures, postures, figures and expressions. An Autistic Teacher--an oxymoron--can do none of these.
Perhaps I could learn to bridge that gap somewhat as an example to youngsters "on the Spectrum". However, even that seems unlikely. Helen Keller indeed learned to read, write, locomote, feed herself, and dress. However, Annie Sullivan was neither blind, nor deaf, nor mute. Had she been, it is doubtful that Keller would have achieved one ten-thousandth of what she eventually did.
Nevertheless, your degrees are in subject areas that small children tend not to study. Your work, therefore, must of necessity be with Older Learners. Perhaps you will be able to succeed there. Several of my professors suggested to me that I seem better suited to being a college professor than an elementary teacher. One thing I've had to grapple with is the tremendous mismatch between my apparent talents and my interests: whereas I like children, I am like adults--and always have been. When I was a child, other children's behavior by turns bored and threatened me. I wanted friends but was more interested in history, science, law and technology. I envied my better-coordinated classmates but was entirely uninterested in following any kind of so-called "professional" sports. I found myself much better able to converse with adults than with children; both my interests and my vocabulary matched theirs (adults') much more closely. When I would try to converse with children my own age, I would invariably be accused of "talking down" to them. That was never my intent.
My teenage son is a better student than I was, perhaps in part because his PDDNOS was recognized in middle school whereas I was diagnosed at age 56. He is much more successful than I was at his age at making--and keeping--friends. He is looked up to by many of his classmates as a smart kid who is willing to help others. I am very proud of him. I encourage him to pursue his dream of becoming a professional television actor. His manager seems to think that he is well on his way to doing just that. I hope so. My own father discouraged me from pursuing an entertainment career, saying it was "impractical" and "unlikely". I am now convinced that what is impractical or unlikely for "normal" people might be the most practical and likely thing in the world for folks like us.
Finnally Someone is raising awareness that not all autism is created equill. That there is people who can funtion in the real world that happen to have autism/aspergers.
This was a great program segment tonight. As a special ed teacher, I've worked with students across the Autism spectrum and found class time to be joyous as well as frustrating. It's wonderful to hear from those who are leading happy, successful lives as they are an inspiration to the students currently in our elementary and secondary schools trying to cope with the many issues they have. Providing information helps those dealing with Aspergers as well as parents who are doing what they think is best for their children. Cheers to those who shared and those learning to live in a world they don't always understand.