By Jessica Hopper and Meghan Frank
Rock Center
Jin Xing is one of the brightest personalities in China today. She’s a film star, talk show host and celebrated dancer, but it’s her life off stage that’s propelled her into the spotlight. She was the first person to have a sex change operation in China, and go public with it. Seventeen years later, she’s become a cultural icon in China and the government even uses her as an unofficial ambassador of the arts.
“They want to tell the world, ‘We do have an independent, free artist like Jin Xing,” Jin explains.
Jin recently embarked on her first U.S. tour with her company, Jin Xing Dance Theatre. The premiere was in New York City, the place where she studied modern dance 20 years ago. Now 44, her return to New York fulfilled a promise she made and kept for two decades.
“When I left New York, I said, ‘I only come back [to] New York with my own dance company. I don’t even come back [to] visit,” Jin told Rock Center’s Kate Snow.
Her return to New York was also the first time she experienced the city as a woman. The last time she was here, she was a man.
From an early age Jin loved to dance and perform, but he felt different from the boys around him. He preferred playing with girl’s toys and wished he was a girl like his sister. One night during a thunderstorm, he ran outside in the hopes that lightning would strike him and transform him into a girl. To his dismay, nothing happened.
When Jin was nine, he was selected to attend a military school for dance, but his parents didn’t approve. When they refused to send him, he went on a hunger strike for two days.
“It worked. Then my mom said, ‘Okay, if you made a decision, you have to write a paper, promising you won’t regret your choices and you won’t put that regret on your parents in the future,” she said.
At the military school, Jin learned to fire a machine gun and blow up a bridge using a bomb, but most importantly, he learned to dance. The dance instruction was strict. The military instructors would tie each student’s leg to a vertical column so that they were forced into the splits.
“We are screaming and shouting, but the teachers, our teachers, are sitting there reading a morning newspaper and looking, ‘five more minutes.’ I think, according to America or western law, this is completely child abuse, no doubt,” she said. “But in China culture, you have to sacrifice.”
Jin threw himself into dancing. He thought if he could only become a famous dancer, people wouldn’t pay attention to his personal life. By the time he was 18, he had won acclaim as the best male dancer in the People’s Liberation Army. He was selected to come to America to study modern dance in New York City. He arrived barely knowing any English and said at first he felt overwhelmed.
“I was standing on Madison Avenue with my backpack…I see people rushing beside me. Then I say, ‘Wow, this is my city,” she said. “I [felt] a little bit lost because I was the best dancer of China…[but] nobody knows.”
Jin quickly found his footing, training with top tier dance companies and emerging choreographers like Mark Dendy.
“Jin Xing was amazing, is amazing, still amazing,” Dendy said. “There’s always a look in the eye when someone’s really, really great and we just say, ‘They’ve got it.’”
Dendy said that Jin’s speed and ability to use space set him apart as a dancer.
“Pirouettes, grand jetes… he had, she had amazing air,” Dendy said. “It’s the ability to go up in the air and have a cup of coffee and come down.”
Jin describes this time in New York as liberating but confusing. He began to date men but something didn’t feel right. He had big questions about his sexuality and his identity as a man. He wasn’t sure if he was gay, or if he was transgender and what should he do about it. He left New York for Europe, but after a few years he made up his mind to return to China and undergo sex reassignment surgery. Jin was 28 when he underwent the operation.
Jin’s mother struggled with her son’s decision. She was worried the surgery wouldn’t go well, and afraid for her son’s future. Jin was even more scared to tell his father, a former military officer and member of China’s secret police, about his decision to become a woman.
Jin told his father, “I become a woman. I become your daughter.” Jin’s father was silent for a moment, then he got a cigarette out and said, “Okay, finally matched.’”
Her father said, ”Strangely enough, 20 years ago, I look at [you], I was wondering, I have a little boy, but you behave everything like a little girl. So after 28 years, you find yourself, congratulations.”
Jin Xing became one of the first people to have a sex change operation in China.
The surgery went well, but there were complications. The operation damaged Jin’s left leg and she feared she might never dance again, but three months after the surgery, she was back on stage in Beijing.
Her performance prompted some to complain about Jin to Beijing’s cultural bureau.
“The best male dancer becomes a female dancer,” she said. “I think people tried to find different ways to find an explanation for me.”
Following her surgery, some said that Jin had sacrificed her body for dance or to make it more acceptable for her to date men. Jin quickly dismissed those claims.
“It’s completely for myself. This is my life. I have to [be] honest with my life,” she said.
Jin said at first, the Chinese authorities didn’t address her sex change.
“They stand back a little bit. One side, they appreciate me, still appreciate that I’m a good dancer,” Jin said. “But somehow, they have no comment, no opinion about my personal choices.”
In 2000, Jin Xing’s life changed again. She became a mother, adopting her son Leo, then her daughter Vivian and lastly, her little boy Julian.
She was content as a single mom, until she unexpectedly fell in love with a German man on a flight from Paris to Shanghai.
“I’m in the lounge and I’m waiting for boarding and a Chinese lady appears at the lounge. I wouldn’t say low key. She was wearing a long leather coat, miniskirt, leather boots, Louis Vuitton bag on one side and a Chihuahua in her hand,” said Heinz Gerd Oidtmann.
The two were seated next to each other on the plane and quickly connected. The next day, Oidtmann called Jin and asked her out.
On their first date Jin revealed to Oidtmann that she was once a man.
“I was shocked,” Oidtmann said. “This image of a sexy, attractive woman was gone and I was really confused.”
Oidtmann took a day to sort his thoughts but he returned to Jin and said that he wanted to continue to see her. A year later, he proposed and they’ve been married for seven years. But Oidtmann admits it’s still strange for him to see photos of his wife as a man.
“Somehow, I’m not really connected to that part of her life. I want to keep pure the female image that I have of my wife and it is very purely a female impression that I have of her,” he said.
It’s been 17 years since her sex change, and Jin Xing’s star continues to rise. In addition to dancing and choreographing, she’s acting in films and appearing on China’s versions of Dancing with the Stars and American Idol. Her popularity continues to grow and the regime that was once quiet on her sex change now pushes her out front as a cultural leader.
“They give me the space to become who I am in China as an independent artist and [at the] same time, I’m getting a lot of positive image [for China] as an artist, as a cultural ambassador for China,” Jin said.
The Chinese government, while more comfortable with Jin, still monitors her closely. She says the government watches what she posts on China’s version of Twitter and keeps a close eye on her dancing.
“In China, before all the performing arts are only used for propaganda use, but if the art form [is to] become independent, that takes a little time,” Jin said of China’s censorship.
And while Jin acknowledges that some people come to see her perform because of her personal transformation, it doesn’t seem to bother her.
“If my personal story can bring [the] public into the theater, I’m already successful,” she said. “Because after one and a half hour, they’re talking about my dancing, they’re not talking about my sex change.”
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變性= (lit: sex change) = transgender. 同性戀= (lit: likes same sex) = gay .
This is news? Got a news flah for you folks. New Orleans has had SHIMS (not Shes/not Hims) for decades. For a male to have his tallywhacker cut off does not make him a she. Does the surgery also include putting female reproductive organs in? If not, then it is still a him. Deviants are just that, deviants. Oh, and to be perfectly unbiased, I am not picking on New Orleans. I am sure San Francisco, as well as other cities, are loaded with SHIMS.
I just love these message articles. lol
What I thought was interesting was Jin's father's comment. People lock themsleves in closets when half the time it's obvious, but the family doesn't say anything because they don't want to open that can of worms.
Still looks like a man to me...but if that is what he wants to do then I guess he is free to make his own way...It is still hard for me to wrap my brain around stuff like this...
It always amazes me how closed minded people are. Jin Xing felt like she was born in the wrong body and had the strength and courage to do something about it. From what she said in the article, it sounds like her father "knew" all along that his son was not a boy. It is good that he accepted her for what she was.
If you did not know that she was born a male, I imagine that the largest percentage of people would never guess it. She is married, has three children and is living the life she wanted. I am happy for her and her family and wish them the best.
You can cut it off and grow breasts but He is still a man.
Who the hell says god doesn't make mistakes? Explain morphodites. Explain boys born with a female chromosome. (my son, for one). Explain babies born without arms or legs, or half a brain. Explain babies born in third world countries, with no food, medication or any hope for a normal life, doomed to die a horrible death. If I believed in god, I'd have to hate him/her. All I can say is "Thank god I am an atheist". Total freedom to think with common reasoning and not as most people are brainwashed to believe.
no Beemaw imho because soul provides for itself what it needs and that soul needs to learn how to suffer and grow in order to gain compassion and understanding in future lifetimes, imho.. it needs to experience suffering in order to experience bliss as it grows.. Kind of like a relief from the suffering... also, the peeps it touches learn to increase their compassion about things as well... all god is is one less o than good, concentrated goodness.. there is always something to learn and grow from from each experience.... all things are to be learned from and there are no coincidences; all things happen for a reason imho... That soul is just experiencing one more aspect of the human condition.... It might teach other peeps to not take drugs during pregnancy etc... It's all learning and experiences for the great ONE we all comprize.. the whole of all things... Jack Keroac said- True freedom is realized when we understand everything is one crazy dream. That soul in that puny life (I mean short relatively) is perhaps having a nightmare.. It is learning how to control it's mind more.... like a young baby soul is learning the first aspects of the human condition. As it learns to control its mind it learns not to create painful lives for itself any longer, but it learns to have love and compassion for those who do have that 'cause it went through it itself and as soul it remembers it, imho........ I love atheists, your compassion touches my heart... they are usually more ethical than a lot of religious peeps.... I tell atheists they can use the power of prayer if they wanted by praying just to love.. Ask love.. Love, please help me with blank... Or higher self..... One doesn't need a god... to access the power we contain... thanks for your comment..
That diagnosis about transgender types being a cross between schziphrenic, bi-polar and something else makes me laugh. Pyschiatrists and Dentists are supposed to be the top suicidals (I heard) in professions. I've heard a lot of peeps interested in psychiatry have issues themselves so they pursue the profession to cure them self as well. How many pyschs. go into analysis themselves... I'm not saying it's good or bad. We usually teach what we wish to learn. All these little labels for types of peeps who aren't bricks in the establishment's walls are just schools of thought imho. The artist's temprament often have a good deal of quote "sicko" coo coo or whatever someone might want to call it thoughts. They channel it into art. Indigineous tribes valued their coo coo's because they would see past the vail and help the tribe look at things in completely different ways and from the dream like perspective. The coo coo clock says wake up! wake up.. Same with the coo coo's too.. :) Nothing can be created without dreaming about it at first. The crazies were often the geniuses ahead of their time... including Einstein.. You should read up if you like on his personal quirks, hilarious.. and cute... They thought he was coo coo. Peeps would be killed just for saying the world is round. Maybe she is ahead of her time, maybe no... some peeps say gays help reduce population explosion heh... There are all kinds of peeps and it takes all kinds to make up a world.. There's a saying, I tried to get rid of all my enemies and lost my friends... In the bible times it was fairly dirty (not a lot of soap and water) so having anal then vaginal intercourse was not prudent/sanitary. Plus, women are such complicated creatures imho, and men love sex so much, if they were quote "allowed" to have sex with men, they might say- to heck with it, I'll just stay with men, they are easier and then how could the religions grow without the population growing and their money and numbers coming in off the babies... yes grow have lots of children so we can get all their income for our religion/big business... It's okay to have them imo but why they were so down on gayness in religions may have been a little vailed and self serving. Also if I had a 6 inch penis like a man, I would want to have sex all the time, I definately have penis envy, and the guys wouldn't get any work done to pay the coffers of the churches, haa. A lot of laws were to do with hygeine.. like not touching a strange woman's hand or never touching a woman if she was having her period. She may not have upheld Hebrew laws. It prevented potential spread of disease, as did anal, then vaginal right afterward. Then the cloud around sex in general was so peeps didn't have children that were not their own then have to raise them, imho and more. Don't covet someone's wife.. sure, imagine all the furr flying if a woman with several children's husband left her and them for someone else... And teenage pregnancies and not knowing who the father was.. No fornication before marriage.. All these laws just kept things simpler, especially for the clergy who has to listen to all the crying and complaining and couldn't get it straightened out... haa. So some of these laws might be more self serving just to organize massive civilizations so they could keep getting their tithing coming into the business that was what the church is after all. ONE reason (I said ONE, not the only) imho why JC was "removed"; the religion couldn't get peeps to pay it if they could just live off spirit themselves without going to some church. .. JC said blessed are the poor. They have to live off spirit; 'god will provide mindset' if they have the right faith, peeps may not get what they want, but with the right faith, they usually get what they need. Not getting what we want can be good, a Persian curse- may you get everything you ever wanted, so the poor were not cursed but blessed and with the right faith got what they needed, for he demonstrated mind over matter- ask and ye shall receive, ask and ask and ask again and ye shall, so blessed were the poor who understood that the less we need the more we have and the simple life of spirit can really be a beautiful thing imho). They had to dump JC or the peeps wouldn't need a church of man and pay it the tithe. They could go directly to god or their own heart and pray directly themselves as JC demonstrated. I do think tithe can be good when churches help the less fortunate etc.. but politicians/preachers... hmmm sounds similar maybe? Many are good, don't get me wrong, and religions can be good too, unless they create hate like this stuff I'm referring to. God is just one less O than good and simply means concentrated goodness, imho. Even the Dali Lama said the one word that describes Buddhism is kindness. Some of the religious bible thumpers aren't the most kind peeps I've ever known sometimes, along this subject at least sometimes. Then the business, er I mean religion put the fear of quote god, into them using the name of god to control the masses and make the bucks. You do what we/I "GOD" say or you'll pay, using fear to control peeps. This we need to keep filling our coffers by the way and puts the preachers and many ministers in the cush life many a time. Then they buy politicians and try to run the country through aristocratism and do what we came to the USA to get away from, separation from church and state. Then they own the banks. Thomas Jefferson said if we let the aristocracy of the banks take over the country the country will become homeless... Look at the foreclosures etc... etc.. Who runs the banks? Churches and these types all sometimes have their hands in each others pockets all in the name of the most holy and someone says this poor woman who cut off a piece of skin is evil? (or turned it inside out if you insist) Hmmm.... They say any two peeps in his name is a church. But someone's got to get that money, keep that 'biz' going.. start wars to keep that biz going.. and gay or bi's people didn't help cuz they didn't make babies to pay that money and if they weren't clean enough, peeps sometimes died from poor hygiene, I mean who feels like getting up and cleaning up in the throws and passion just keep going and there may not be without the 'laws' that kept the herd, er I mean flock er I mean church goers.. fleece the flock... a heathy hygiene going alive and paying dem dere dues. And why are they called gay since that means happy? Maybe cuz they just lived in a free manner? ooooh freedom, that bad... what? I thought this was a free country? Maybe China might be more free, who knows, don't they own a huge portion of this country now? Sure they said some peeps in China didn't like it either, her doing her thing... Some peeps may just be jealous if they can't be free to be them self and don't want anyone else to either. Too narrow minded imho sometimes.. Some peeps just have never gotten over the Victorian/Puritan era or something... If we don't follow the Hebrew laws that support the Hebrew biz system, we just may be happy and those that do follow might be a tad jealous of those that don't? They say homophobes are secretly homos' themselves that's why they hate it.. the guilty dog barks the loudest, haa. After JC moved on, many folks martyred and got converts and the Romans said we better organize this and make some money on it while we're at it. Then later the so called Christians in the Spanish Inquisition for example hunted down and tortured any mystics that showed any signs of mind over matter and didn't follow the biz I mean church's laws. The scare tactics are still in place in this brainwashed biz, I mean historic religions etc.. but they are losing ground imho as more peeps just love JC without going to some biz I mean church and paying up for the privilege. Sure it's good for community/fellowship and reminding peeps about some good things, assisting peeps in need etc.. but getting paid money, ,more than minumum upkeep and costs, and small very small other than that...especially escorbitant aristrocratic fees for teaching about spirit/god/great spirit/ or whatever else you want to call it, the soul/heart, the inner true love inside and trying to make money and power to influence etc.. is more blasphemous imho than many another sin, like maybe getting a sex change so she doesn't have to be "gay" but be a "woman" married to a man. She could be trying to conform to these so called religious rules.. and not being gay so she changes so she won't be a gay and be a woman with a man and still some peeps are not satisfied cuz they may be so brainwashed by the big biz I mean religion and filled with mob like hate. Someone mentioned Frankenstein, and the mob chased and burned him, but he tried to be kind, like when he was with the blind man in his house.... I felt sorry for the dude.. haa.. I'm not saying we should take dead bodies and make them alive, although JC was supposed to have raised the dead, and others have in things I've read, purported sooo,... but I do get the dead body thing.. sewing a bunch of peeps together.. but who knows.... the Young Frankenstein guy was cool :) hee.. But I mean that mean mob mind mentality.. like a church or religion sometimes can be. I'm not gay but all this using religion/ I mean biz.. whoops, to create hate.. so many gay teenagers and more kill themselves etc. If a religion is causing hate then it is not doing it's pure job, imho.. To each his own.... but, I'm just sayin'.. Just like the guy who started Scientology was supposed to have said- Why be a science fiction writer for pennies a word when I can start a religion and get rich? I loved how someone says China is more open minded (maybe even loving and not judge) than the good ol' freedom loving usa... hmmm maybe just a tad? Is that why they are owning us just a little? Love will win out in the end, imho and they're showing just a touch of love (sure maybe propaganda maybe not.. but still..) And since I'm on this rant, as much as I dearly love Buddhism, and Tibet... I might see just the tiniest side, after all there are at least 2 sides to every story why maybe they might not like Tibet just a touch.. If the monks are all holy and considered pure and living off hand outs from the government or whatever, or even running a biz, (I didn't look it up) and the Chinese are supporting them or even just jealous cuz they're working every day like dogs, not walking around in robes, yet are they less holy if they work hard like the Chinese do? China spelled bkwd is anihc.. a niche.. China has a niche and knows how to work it.. Good old fashioned elbow grease, and getting the entire country to be that way... I'm not a communist by any means... but I had a professor once tell us in civilizations, first there is oppression, then revolution, then freedom, then apathy, then oppression.. Until further notice, I'd like to see the USA bust out of the apathy before the oppression stage.. (China taking over, although I don't care, we could use some disapline imho, we better be nice to them.. haa). China might be nice, at least they were to Jin Xing (hey ginseng.. that stuffs good for you) .. but I digress.. I may be full of it on this next subject but I love Tibet and really need to say hey China, free them already. I'm not giving them exuses in any way shape or form, but if all these monks without jobs expecting to be supported yet hard working Chinese are Buddhist but they can't go run off and be all holy and not work hard instead of Monkin' around.. so they might not want their society to go all live off hand outs, and seem all 'holier than thou'? but work and be productive and progressive and they still can be spiritual and grow within the Niche' of work instead of relative passive monkdom. I know I'm totally full of it about this part but this has crossed my mind... If someone corrects me, I'll humbly acquiess...... What about the middle ages when they burned all the books and prevented education... Religions and politicians and the power hungry did that and tried to stay in control, but the renaissance busted loose and you had all these geniuses walking around that could do anything and everything... So then what happens? The Protestant reformation and religious wars bust loose in the 16th century and just make humanity go all the way back to square one. Jeese, Leonard DaVinci invented the helicoptor for heck's sake... And you wonder why I rant about religious oppression, including on poor little sweet peeps like Jin. She's a renaissance lady, talk show host, judge on 2 star dance shows, on and on.... Where's the love people, where's the love? What I just wrote .. if in the middle ages or after the renaissance whew~ ....Luckily we still have freedom of the press and internet (so far... ) or those religious haters would not be nice to me either.... But in the end.. psychiatrists and churches labeling and hatin' and judging someone just gets my gird sometimes... We are not to be labeled and put in boxes.. We are human beings and multifaceted. If any religious person cuts down another human being, Or some psychiatrist boxes someone up, throws some pills at them, makes a bunch of money off them by talking to them and drugging them and still they don't get anywhere sometimes, and not looking at all the sides to it, they are cutting down god cuz we are all god, even "satan".... the myth of him; just has a job to do to keep us sharp and make us strong imho.. it's all of the same stuff energy in motion.. we are ONE... If we try to hurt another part of us.. its like a branch of a tree hitting another branch of itself.. crazy.. Trees are smarter than peeps sometimes, heh.. (see Avatar and sacred tree idea) .... I Iove anyone who read this whether they agree or no.. :))))
WELL , THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD ; where i'm from , we believe GOD doesn't make mistakes. and on that last day , that freak show will be seen as such. and don't crowd my forum space , '' YOU'RE MAKIN ME NERVOUS '' !!!!!
bless your little heart..
Cultural icon??? How sick is this? MSNBC - shame on you to even bring this kind of crap to the air waves and the net!
It's the Chris629 show!
Actually you have to laugh because China is the one place you DON'T want to be a woman.
Mistreated and killed at birth.
This dude is one mixed up lady boy.
Keep your delusions and denial in your thinking...it is your right....but the rest of the world will never accept a man who wants to be a woman no matter what mutilation he does to his junk!
Interview with Jin Xing in Minneapolis in February 2012.
www.ias.umn.edu/media/JInXing.php
how a mandatory government as a communist china allow this shows how far the will of people can go
I think its pretty @!$%#ing wrong that the whole relationship was based on a lie. How many of you he she transgender @!$%#s do you think would be sucessful in a relationship if when u were on your first date meeting a guy you told him u were a man and a surgery made you a woman. Not one single straight male would agree to those terms. Instead you he she bitches are like a @!$%#in magician pulling the curtain over the eyes until real strong feelings are developed. Thats the only way it would be possible for you to achieve a relationship. One things for sure I would never want to be with a liar and secondly sure as hell not desperate enough to be with a inside out penis. Should have made a coinsack or some @!$%# out of it instead. lol totally agree with chris.
http://youtu.be/LmeX3eCanTI
check it out and spread the word.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM CHASTITY BONO'S GENDER-REASSIGNMENT SURGERY
gender is reality. gender is as obvious an identifier as race is - changing one's gender should be regarded as ludicrous an idea as changing one's race (though michael jackson seemed to have done both). change your mind before you go to the extreme of changing your gender - it's nothing but your mind that's telling you that your body is a mistake. change your mind.
homosexuality is gender-dysfunction. this should be realized. a national tolerance of gender-dysfunction is telling children that it's okay to be mediocre. it was the summer of 1991 - hunterdon county, new jersey - i was going to see "terminator 2" with someone named josh lane - we never saw it because i was expressing my awe of his manliness and he was telling me to love myself and not to see him as the best but to become the best. i thought he was being intolerant, so i felt rejected and wanted to go home. i'd always felt mediocre, a small masculine slight, i wanted someone to accept me for it. i don't know if i'd have gone to a "gay pride" parade if i had the chance, but that's neither here nor there.
now, whether her gender-curiosity is of the masculine gender or the feminine, if it's being embraced by society that chastity bono got a sex change because she always thought that she had the wrong body, aren't people admitting a gender-identity issue? it is an issue when one doesn't feel like a female but is undeniably female. don't people realize that such issues and feelings can only come into being once a person has been around other people long enough to have come to define themselves as a specific gender in relation to the world and genders around them? how do you know you have the wrong body if you haven't been exposed to anything but your body? how do you know that there are two types of bodies? how do you come out of the womb with any information of the world when you've had no information to process while in the womb, as if a fetus is advanced enough to process information.
i was in high school and josh was the epitome of the word "man". i arrived at that conclusion through all the years i had lived, all the years i had regarded athletes as "real men," all the years i felt outcasted from the masculine gender. i had never wanted a sex change, but i sure did not feel like a "real man" and i did not feel comfortable calling myself a man when all these better men were around. i swam with my shirt on, i didn't feel man enough to take it off. i thought that tank-tops didn't belong on me because i was skinny and weak. this probably has nothing to do with any self-discontentment i felt, but i was an actor in high school - happy and comfortable to become someone else.
my lackluster sense of self complemented the lackluster specimen of manhood that i was, but maybe if i'd have gone to a "gay pride" parade then i would have been taught to be proud without having any justifiable reason to be proud of myself. if i learned how to love myself in spite of everything i wanted to change about myself, life would have been much easier and i wouldn't have had to spend so much time lifting weights and improving myself.
there is a quote i came up with before 1996, i tested it in 1996 on stevanne lusk who was behind a place called "the center for neuro-rehab" in annapolis. evita was playing at the mall during the time i was in annapolis and i loved musical theatre, in case you have any doubts of my being a legitimate homosexual after writing a letter like this.
here's the quote: "if you wanna believe there's nothing detrimental to a masculine soul about finding security, fulfillment and something excitably taboo in another one, it's your loss"
i was humping the mattress yet again this morning - do you know the stuff that is in gay porn? "men" sniffing their own armpits , "men" sniffing others' armpits, "men" with their faces wedged inside ass-cracks, "men" with their hands up someone's rear-end - when i see stuff like this i picture all these question marks flying around the heads of the curious little masculine slights that simply know themselves as "gay".
"We shoulda known you question your manhood when we saw you jerking it like you just bought it at some curiosity shop," from my first screenplay, andy's beach, (c) 1996.
why don't boys who were "born straight" come out of mama's vagina with a hard-on? on second thought, why did they even come out of mama's vagina - they're soon going to be trying to re-enter a vagina with either their fingers, tongues or dicks. one would think that being inside of a vagina would be paradise for a boy who was "born straight". on second thought, maybe newborn boys don't know anything about the world around them and maybe it'll take years to gain enough knowledge of the world (and the genders) around them to regard the vagina as special and interesting.
madonna's "justify my love" was popular in late 1990, i remember it well - i was a junior in high school. paula abdul's "opposites attract" was popular in early 1990, i remember it well - i was a sophomore. let me take a line from my aforementioned screenplay: " i'm saying that opposites attract, be that man/woman, confident man/insecure man, or even half-the-woman/epitome of 'woman'! 'opposites' is what you feel inside about yourself, it's not strictly male or female on the outside! i'm jealous, therefore i lust! i'm jealous of your body like you're jealous of saxy's. i need a man in my life for the same reason you need a woman, i feel left out!"
i therefore can understand how chastity bono came to the conclusion that she felt like she should be a man. it's cross-eyed gender-dysfunction. josh told me to change myself so that i'd love myself, he was talking about my becoming the best instead of fawning over supreme masculine images. i guess one could argue that going to a doctor to change one's gender is the same as going to a gym to change one's musculature, which brings to mind another line from my screenplay: "It works for you, huh, treating your gender like its presence on your body is some big mistake?". gender is reality - gender is as obvious as race is - changing one's gender should be regarded as ludicrous an idea as changing one's race (though michael jackson seemed to have done both). change your mind before you go to the extreme of changing your gender, it's nothing but your mind that's telling you that your body is a mistake.
gender is self, gender is reality, the way anyone thinks or feels about themselves is arrived at by - let's just say that i wouldn't have felt like a masculine slight as a boy if i was not always picked last for teams in gym class. if girls were fawning over me rather than over athletes, i probably would have been a tad more self-confident. if i wasn't only as strong as a girl, maybe i'd have had some masculine self-worth. maybe masculine self-worth is what josh was trying to give me when he told me to change myself to become the best. maybe masculine self-worth is why i enjoy gawking at images of "men" having sex as i'm humping my mattress, when the reality of having sex with anything but a masculine image keeps me from having sex with men.
maybe the absence of self-respect and masculine self-worth that i felt as a boy would have done more than bring about a lust for men. maybe it would have led me to believe that i was not supposed to be male, that i was a female trapped in a male's body. let me conclude by saying that before there is gender-reassignment surgery in anyone's life, before anyone wants to do away with their gender, there is a certain degree of self-hatred. change your mind.
dylan terreri, i
www.jaggedlittledyl.com, LLC
"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna